I was standing in the train station as my world shattered. ‘You can have children.’ I heard the doctor say. ‘When you want to get pregnant you can skip the waitlist at the hospital and straight away start hormone treatments.’ She continued, not realizing the effect her words were having on me. And the inappropriateness of telling me this as I stood there waiting for my train to arrive. She kept saying practical things and how I could just go on the pill and I would barely even notice any effects of PCOS on my body but my mind was somewhere else in that moment. As we hung up I started panicking, the whole train ride home all these fears crossed my mind ‘I can’t go on the pill, I’ll get depressed again’, ‘will I get cervical cancer (one of the risks my doctor briefly mentioned)’, ‘will I ever be able to get pregnant naturally’, ‘what if these dark hairs on my chin will turn into a full on goatee’, and so on, and so on, and so on. Luckily at the time me and Alessandro had been dating for a couple of months – it was still very early in our relationship, really. And when I called him he immediately brought me back to myself; he told me about the beautiful babies we would have one day, what a great mother I would become and that I would be able to get through this. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which comes in many forms but for me it means I have too high levels of testosterone (the male hormone), which causes for me to not reach ovulation regularly and have very few menstruations. And with few ovulations come smaller chances of getting pregnant of course and a higher risk of getting cervical cancer as you don’t have the monthly ‘cleanse’. Next to these big things a lot of small not so nice inconveniences arise like hormonal acne, darker hair growth and a decrease of libido. They discovered this through an ultrasound when I got off the pill (because it made me depressed) and got a copper IUD put in.
With all the yoga, self-work and healing I had done, man, it was still so hard for me to hear this message. Of course when you hear you can’t -naturally- get pregnant as a woman your fears pop up and make you think that maybe, just maybe, you are then not worthy of being a woman. But luckily I knew the negative side effects that the pill would have on me if I continued taking it, not targeting the root of my issue, but rather serving as a band aid that would hold my gaping, blood gushing wound together. And, luckily I knew that my body has immense self-healing properties. Especially around the area of the womb, which is so infinitely connected to our emotions, traumas and past hurts. Usually more so than actual physiological issues.
So here I stood; raw, scared, but I gathered all my courage and I started my journey of naturally healing my womb. And this isn’t a story about how I magically healed myself as I floated away on a cloud to nirvana. No. This is a story of looking within, going to the pain, to my trauma’s. And then through that experiencing immense differences in the frequency of my cycles. I’ve had periods of regular cycles for months and months after a big energetical release where my gynecologist even said that I was ‘magically’ cured. But as life is like a river that keeps on flowing, I also get invited again and again by the universe to dive deeper in my lessons, to heal, more. So my cycle stops flowing, telling me I’m moving too fast, too much. Whenever this happens I hold space for my body, listen to what it has to tell me, and I act. I honor myself. Again and again. Over the years I have gained this huge toolbox of what has helped me heal and flow, and I’m ready to share this with who feels they need it too. I’m ready to hold this space of healing for other beautiful women, because if I’ve learned one thing it is that so many of us are walking around with these issues. Maybe yours looks very different from mine, but we all hold these things in our wombs that want to come to the light. And I’ve noticed the immensely healing effect it has on me when I just hear other women sharing their stories. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone. Together we heal, together we rise.
Are you feeling the calling? Our 3-month journey to womb healing: CRYSTALS + RITUALS is starting October 1st on the full harvest moon. Learn more here.
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